Sunday, February 27, 2005

Spring training is on and another baseball season begins. My favorite baseball website is The Hardball Times, and they run this hilarious story today on orientation at this year's spring training:

We have a number of drills designed to get you in fighting shape for the season. As you've no doubt noticed, your practice jerseys have different color armbands. That is specifically designed to keep you in groups for the various exercises. Yellow group goes to diamond one for the cup adjustment drills...You must be able to readjust your cup in no fewer than 10 moves. If you are unable to after eight tries, you'll be sent to remedial cup adjustment in the bullpen under the supervision of Denny Neagle’s, um, coach after the morning workout.

This is very important -- if you need over 25 adjustments it can cause vision impairment, blindness, and a shocking amount of staff turnover among the clubhouse attendants in charge of the laundry...For those of you using a thimble in place of your cup, urine tests are being held in the tent by the left-field fence -- try not to graze on your way there, it upsets the groundskeepers.

Speaking of the drug tests, everyone will be expected to visit the tent before we finish up today for the first of your series of urine tests. Please use your own this time. When we started this last year we discovered half the Yankees were pregnant and one third of the Tigers turned out to be golden retrievers.

The blue group will go to diamond two. There you will receive intensive sobriety test rehearsal. You will be blindfolded and required to spin around in circles for five minutes, then your eyes will be uncovered and you must try to walk down the first base line. Kindly remember to spit out any chewing tobacco before performing this drill. For those of you in need of remedial training in this regard, Richie Sexson has been retained to tutor you.

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