Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Check out this piece by Andy Robinson, reporting from New York on something happening in California in today's La Vanguardia. On page three, the lead international affairs page. Words within quotes are in English in the original.

Arnold Schwarzenegger had his first taste of enemy fire last month in southern California when 3600 houses and businesses were converted into ashes, most of them belonging to his voters. With a cost of more than $2 billion, the fires are another huge number in the red column of the books of a state whose deficit was already almost $10 billion. But it's still not clear where "Terminator" is going to find any black numbers. Already proven to be a successful formula in Hollywood (dangling participle sic), Schwarzenegger has applied the technique of the "crossover"--the horror movie that is a thriller too, or the melodrama that becomes a comedy--to California politics. His first economic measure will be the elimination of the car registration tax--with a cost of $4 billion--consolidating his support along the "freeways". This old script of cutting taxes--with repeated "flash back" (sic) to the administration of Ronald Reagan in the Seventies--will be accompanied, however, with what the Los Angeles Times calls a "moderate and progressive program" on environmental and social issues. "Schwarzenegger will govern from the left, right, and center," said, without irony, an analyst from the Hoover Institute in the New York Times. The "crossover" becomes fact with the decision to name several Democrats to the team of the Republican governor.

Terry Tamminen, a Democrat and an advocate for ecological causes, is the new president of the Agency for Environmental Protection, and James Branham, a logging businessman, is her new assistant. Since two of the greatest challenges for the ex-Mister Universe will have environmental repercussions--the prevention of forest fires and the solution to the electrical crisis two years after the blackouts that shut down Silicon Valley--we'll see if this Solomonic formula gives results. It is not clear, either--given the absence of the money stolen by corruption in the accounts of the State, so often denounced during the electoral campaign--how Schwarzenegger will try to blend the "horror" genre with the "familia entertainment" of policies of supporting education and social cohesion programs, all promised in the campaign.

Given the difficulties of the "crossover" genre, Schwarzenegger--facing a Democrat majority in the state legislature--will try to hold himself above the upcoming battles; according to all the experts. (Sentence fragment sic.) In the end, he knows through experience that the reputation of the "lead actor" can survive even the worst movies.

Now, let's have a little quiz. The reason this stupid article sucks so bad is because of the inanity of its metaphor of the movies and governing a state. Why do you think the author, Andy Robinson, wrote this tripe?

A. He spends all his time partying his ass off with American hippie chicks who are impressed because he's British, so he's constantly half-pissed and three-quarters pilled up, none of which he paid for himself, and so he can't concentrate enough to write anything better

B. He's such a nerd that he spends almost all of his wa(n)king hours masturbating constantly with a huge tube of KY Jelly and a six-pack of pornos, and he only leaves the house long enough every day to pick up a new porno six-pack and some regional paper from Buffalo or Pittsburgh that probably nobody is bothering to check him on, from which he manages to rip off something resembling an article to send back to Barcelona, and that's why he can't write any better. They hate him at the porno shop because he leaves nasty fingerprints all over the boxes

C. He's such a lazy bastard that he just makes all this shit up

D. He's so stupid he actually thinks the extended metaphor was clever

What do you think? Post your answers below in the Comments section.

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