Here's an amusing little story from Fox News about the wave of French jokes that seems to be sweeping America. The French are mad; this is what they called "xenophobic Francophobia" in the Vanguardia a couple of days ago. This is rich from France, whose media seems to spend 90% of its time bashing America and the Americans. Like all pompous asses, the French can't stand ridicule. It punctures their overinflated national ego. So keep up the French jokes, people, and we'll do what we can here to whip up all the aggressive imperialist warmongering arrogant prepotent Francophobia we can.

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to change the lightbulb, three more to form a delegation to ask the Germans for permission, five more to make up a committee to invent a French word for such a piece of foreign technology as a lightbulb, seven to organize the industrial espionage necessary to steal the lightbulb secret from the Americans, nine to compose the editorial in Le Monde that will celebrate the glorious French achievement in lightbulb development, eleven to bribe corrupt African dictators to give the French monopoly exclusive rights on lightbulbs in their countries, and thirteen to write a very thick book relating the grandeur of the French lightbulb industry to the heritage of the Revolution.

Today's main page three Vanguardia international headline: "Africa supports France against Bush". All fifty-two African states have voted, at the Franco-African summit in Paris, to follow the French line on Iraq policy. There's a lovely photo of Chirac talking with Thado Mbeki of South Africa, the guy who says that HIV doesn't cause AIDS and whose country has the highest murder rate known in the world, well over 100 per year per 100,000 people. (In comparison, in America it's five point something and in Spain it's three point something murders per 100,000 people.) At least Mbeki was elected more or less democratically; the other three guys in the picture are Kabila of the Congo, Kerekou of Benin (this guy is sort of OK, he was dictator for many years, got voted out, and then got voted in again), and Mugabe of Zimbabwe. Fine folks, those. Salt of the earth. The French managed to talk the Brits into letting Mugabe into the EU; he's under EU sanctions and isn't supposed to be able to enter. Patassé from the Central African Republic and Ngueso from the other Congo are being threatened with international human rights violations charges. Gbagbo of the Ivory Coast didn't show up because if he left the country he'd be overthrown. Other lovely governments in attendance were Libya's, Algeria's, Uganda's, Rwanda's, Ethiopia's, Eritrea's, Equatorial Guinea's, Malawi's, Angola's, Sudan's and Mozambique's. How much do you want to bet that each of these governments is responsible for many times the number of deaths that will be caused to civilians in the upcoming Iraq War?

African states in attendance that were once French possessions: Morocco, Algeria, Tunisia, Mauritania, Mali, Niger, Chad, Senegal, Guinea, Ivory Coast, Burkina Faso, Togo, Benin, Cameroon, Central African Republic, Djibouti, Gabon, Congo (Brazzaville), Madagascar, Comoros, Seychelles, Mauritius. Former Belgian possessions now under French influence: Congo (Kinshasa), Rwanda, Burundi. Out of all of them, the only two that Freedom House classifies as "free" are Mali and Benin. Those two countries have relatively honest democratic governments and are two of the few African countries making anything like progress. Mali, in particular, has won praise for its cooperation with the IMF, its ability to attract foreign investment, and its successful promotion of its cotton industry. Its per-capita GDP is, however, still under a thousand bucks a year.

The International Brigades in Baghdad report for today: they're trying to organize a soccer game against some university students. World peace is just around the corner. By the way, there are reports that Saddam's nutball son, who is in charge of sports in Iraq, has had losing athletes and coaches tortured and even killed. Wonder what'll happen to the Iraqi college kids if they lose to the Cataloonies. They'll probably just get bastinadoed or something mild like that.

The alleged Movement of Nonaligned Nations is meeting at Kuala Lumpur. They are organizing a Bush-bashing manifesto. It will have tremendous moral authority because the participating governments are all so highly respectable.

A Spanish judge has closed down Egunkaria, a Basque-language paper that received more than 7 million euros in Basque regional government subsidies between 1994 and 2001. The paper is accused of being an ETA front. Ten of its executives and managers were arrested. They're also investigating the network of Basque-language schools, the ikastolas, which are run by the Basque government and are widely considered to be hotbeds of pro-ETA agitation. I imagine the Basques are the most pro-terrorist people in the world, with 15% voting in favor of Herri Batasuna, the ETA political branch. Certainly they're the most pro-terrorist people in the so-called civilized world. If the ETA murdered you for whatever reason, or none at all (as in a terror bombing) 15% of the two million or so Basques would justify them, not feel sorry for you or think that they had done something wrong. I can only comprehend the insistence of the Spanish media on the idea of a fear-stricken American public when I see that the Basque Country really does live in fear of ETA bombings and killings and shootings. Many people have left the Basque Country because they are afraid, and rightly so since the ETA has murdered well more than 800 people in its history, mostly other Basques but also people in all parts of Spain. Spaniards can't understand that Americans aren't fear-stricken after 9-11 because they themselves are fear-stricken by the ETA--ask the people of Barcelona about Hipercor if you don't believe me.

Monsignor Asenjo, head of the Spanish bishops' conference, said that the statements by the Pope regarding the war on Iraq should be obeyed by Catholics, as should be all Papal declarations that are non-dogmatic. So much for freedom of thought. If you're pro-war, you're a sinner. I will also point out, again, that the behavior of most of the American mainstream Protestant churches is equally despicable.

Carlos Sentís of the Vangua says "The United States does not have the right to act on its own." So much for sovereignty. If Britain hadn't acted on its own between June 1940 and June 1941, where would we all be now? And, of course, this principle means that Spain does not have the right to act on its own, either (e.g. Perejíl Island), something that Sentís would furiously deny. The obligation to consult and cooperate is only America's. Not France's (e.g. Ivory Coast, where the French are currently acting on their own).

The Vodafone cellphone network in Spain went down yesterday. Everybody freaked out and called home from pay phones to tell their loved ones that nothing was wrong, it was just that their cellphones weren't working. There were big lines at phone booths. Jesus Christ. They're talking up mass psychosis in America over three thousand dead, yet when the cellphones crash in Barcelona everybody has to rush to call home. This is the lead story in the National News section.

The Franciscan rector at Vilanova, who was also the principal of an elementary school, was found shot dead in an isolated area notorious as a gay cruising spot. Their first story was that he had died in a car accident. Then they "found" the bullet wound in his throat. Now they're pushing the story that he was there investigating drug trafficking. See, the rector spent so much time investigating drug trafficking that the local mafia murdered him. That's what the Franciscans are saying. Me, I think he went down there to get his--uh, never mind. Just be careful if you're into rough trade.

One thing I think is interesting in the gay world is the taste for rough trade. Most of those guys--many of them kids--are lower-class heterosexuals who are doing it for the money and who are, frankly, being exploited by their clients. Just as I don't feel particulary sorry for middle-class kids who get shot when they go to the wrong part of town to score drugs, I don't feel particularly sorry for middle-class adult homosexuals who get knocked off by rentboys. Every man's death diminishes me, I know, and I wish no one got murdered ever, and I do feel sad for people who get murdered even if it was their own damn fault--but less sad than I do for people who aren't doing something they're not supposed to be doing. And Franciscan rectors are not supposed to be cruising for rentboys.