You know you're an Old European...

if you see no contradiction between your Socialist Party card and your new BMW.
if you put on high heels and a skirt to go down to the corner and buy bread.
if there's a strange receptacle nobody uses in your bathroom.
if you call a burger and fries steak haché avec pommes frites and then slather it with mayonnaise and sugary ketchup.
if you're not racist. Except for gypsies. And Arabs. And Turks. And Jews.
if you own black bikini underwear. And you're a man.
if you wear cologne because you shower every third day.
if, when visiting New York, you go on a bus tour of Harlem and then tell everyone back home about how authentic it was.
if you complain about "American health puritanism" when they ban smoking in the subway.
if you believe in multiculturalism and diversity except in your own arrondissement, which simply wouldn't do.
if you think drinking Orangina rather than Coke is somehow a protest against imperialism.
if you cross the street rather than pass in front of a McDonald's just so nobody will think you're entering or leaving.
if you brag about your country's millenarian artistic treasures, none of which you have ever seen.
if you make a big deal about rooting for a Third World team in the World Cup.
if dogs are welcome in the local café, bistro, or estaminet, but Arabs aren't.
if you own a T-shirt that says, "100% AMERICAN BOYS BASBALL FINEST QALITY PRODUCT."
if you place your cell phone on the table beside your silverware when you sit down in a restaurant.
if you're proud of your country's immensely long history but can't name more than three of its kings or queens.
if you've ever discussed the postmodern metasthesis of the semiotics of bike racing.
if you actually like anise liqueur, especially at five o'clock in the morning before mucking out the pig shed.
if you drive your rattletrap Renault eighty miles an hour down one-lane roads but won't visit the US because it's "dangerous".
if you spent a week visiting Tuzla in '94 and have used it to pick up on impressionable chicks ever since.
if you claim that you were in Paris in May '68, even if you were minus three years old.
if all your clothes are black. Or gray.
if you actually like tripe, paté, and blood sausage--for breakfast.
if you call getting hammered in the same bar every night "pub culture".
if you think that war is historically unjust unless your country won, in which case it's hard to see how they could have done anything else.
if you're still giving America crap about Vietnam when your country started the whole thing.
if you ever thought David Hasselhoff was a big star, or if you still think Pamela Anderson is one.
if you don't put tomato sauce on pizza, but do put fried eggs on top.
if you're still a virgin at twenty-three because you live with your parents and don't have a car.
if you pretend to enjoy street exhibitions of people wearing ugly old-fashioned clothes hopping around in an ungainly manner.
if you think Johnny Hallyday plays good rock'n'roll.
if you don't know how to swim.
if you spent two thousand bucks for breast / hair implants but won't spend two hundred bucks to get your teeth fixed.
if you don't see what's tasteless about painting yourself up in blackface.