Former Barça star Hristo Stoichkov, a great player but an offensive jerk of a human being, a nasty piece of work, beat up a photographer outside a Puerto Olimpico bar several days ago. He punched the guy in the teeth, knocked him down, and then started kicking him, while pushing away the guy's pregnant wife and screaming obscenities and threats. He ought to be in the Modelo right next to Franki.

If you come to visit Barcelona, I'd stay away from the Puerto Olimpico and Maremagnum at night. Nothing good ever seems to happen there, and the clients are a bunch of drugged-up drunk chavs. There are hundreds of more interesting bars in this city.

And get this one: Former Barça star Ronaldo picked up three prostitutes last Monday night in Rio de Janeiro. They turned out to be transvestites. Ronaldo paid them $600 to go away, but one of them demanded $30,000 in blackmail, threatening to expose Ronaldo's allegedly kinky tastes and to accuse him of drug use, so all four of them wound up at the police station. Seems that Ronaldo had turned his car over to one of them to go buy cocaine in a shantytown, and the guy kept the ownership papers, which is why Ronaldo went to the police.

So the former Barça star trifecta is now in play. Prediction: The next one to get in trouble is going to be Patrick Kluivert, and what he does is going to be a lot worse than these two. He's been convicted of vehicular manslaughter and acquitted of rape so far, and, as a convicted felon, he's banned from entering the United States, as Barça found out once when they did a tour over there and Immigration at Kennedy Airport put Kluivert on the next plane back home.

And tonight's the big game, do or die against Manchester United at Old Trafford in the second leg of the Champions League semifinals. Barcelona needs to win or to draw by 1-1 or more. An 0-0 draw goes to penalty kicks. The way Barça's been playing, a victory's unlikely, but anything can happen. Probable lineup: Valdes; Zambrotta, Puyol, Milito, Abidal; Xavi, Toure, Deco; Messi, Eto'o, Iniesta. On paper that's a good lineup, but it just hasn't been getting the job done.