What If the French Had Made...?

Star Wars:

PRINCESS LEIA:

Thanks to these secret plans, we can now launch a proton torpedo into the weak spot and blow up the Death Star!

JEAN-LUC SKYWALQUER:

Just a moment, ma chere. What about all the innocent Imperial Stormtroopers who might lose a limb, or even their lives? I propose we contact Darth Vader and strongly suggest that he disarm the Death Star and turn it into a GalactoDisney.

The Lord of the Rings:

GANDALF:

There's nothing else for it. Someone has to take the Ring into the midst of Mordor and cast it into the volcano so thit it might forever be destroyed, and that evil might perish!

FRODEAUX:

Isn't that a little bit dangerous?

GANDALF:

Perilous even unto death, yea, and beyond mere death.

FRODEAUX:

Merde to that!

High Noon:

TOWNSMAN (rushing into saloon):

Sheriff! The Clancy boys are ridin' into town and they're gunnin' for you!

GARY COUPEUR:

I'm sure there must be some non-conflictive process within the framework of international law whereby we can reach a fair and transparent agreement which will be beneficial to all participants.

The Godfather:

TOM HAGEN:

The movie guy won't give Johnny Fontaine the part.

VITEAUX COEURLYONI:

I'll make him an offer that he'll be willing to come to the table and negotiate about. Pass the Beaujolais.

Spartacus:

PROCONSUL SADDAMUS:

At last I have crushed you dirty seekers of freedom! Now it only remains to to tear out the rebel leader's entrails before his eyes! Tell me! Who is Spartacus? The others may go free (fingers crossed behind back), but Spartacus must die!

FRENCH SLAVE #1 (pointing):

He's Spartacus!

FRENCH SLAVE #2

Yeah, that guy's Spartacus! The one with the dimple in his chin!

CHORUS OF FRENCH SLAVES:

He's Spartacus! It's him! Kill him! Kill him!

The Magnificent Seven:

TOWNSMAN:

The bandit chief Saddamía is coming to raid our town! You hired guns are our only hope! You must save us!

YUL BRYNNEUR:

Wait, that Saddamía guy is the one we sold all the Remington Seventy-Sixes to last year, ain't he? He's a pretty tough hombre, that thar hombre.

STEVE MCREINE:

Yeah, I don't cotton much to takin' that critter on in anything like a fair fight. Let's git the hell out of Dodge.

OTHER FRENCH HIRED GUNS:

Vite! Vite! Let's head for the hills!